Dedication?

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days and decided it was finally time to write some of my thoughts done. So, I decided to take advantage of my lunch break, and here I am. This post is prompted by an assignment given by my RS President last week, and that was to share a few of my thoughts regarding a portion of the Relief Society Declaration, more specifically this sentence:

"Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes."

Honestly, I was kind of puzzled that I was assigned this part of the declaration, mainly because I'm far from the ideal wife and mother. And I don't mean that as a slight to myself--I'm referring to the current situation of my family. It had always been my plan to stay at home with my children. That's what I envisioned would happen when I was growing up and even up until a few months after Cody and I got married. But that's definitely not what actually did happen.

Most of you know that I currently work full-time away from home and part-time from home (amounting to 9 or 10 hours of work each day), and that my husband stays home with our son and goes to school in the evenings. This is most definitely not the norm in Mormon culture. The norm, as I see it, is usually the following: if the couple marries while the husband is still in school, the wife works while the husband finishes his degree, and they delay having children until he graduates and they are more financially stable, and then the wife can then stay home once they have children. If children come before the husband graduates, he takes on a full-time job and takes classes in the evenings so that the mother can stay home.

Obviously, this is not the case in the Alleman Family. And I'm really not trying to complain about it--we know without doubt that we were supposed to have Joshua when we did. But I do have to admit that it hasn't been easy, this being a working mother. I went back to work full-time when Joshua was just four weeks old, and though I was able to bring him with me for a few hours each morning, I still resented the fact that I had to work when he was so tiny. As Joshua's birth drew closer, I can remember feeling so jealous of the women around me who were also pregnant and looking forward to quitting their jobs just before giving birth. I often thought, "Why wasn't this going to happen to me? Why can't I stay home too? Did I do something wrong?"

So when I was assigned this topic by my RS President, I didn't quite understand what made me an authority on dedicating myself to marriage, family, and home--I could think of many other women in our ward who spent more time focused on their marriages, families, and homes. They had it all down pat and could offer tons more than I could. I don't even remember what I said, though I do know I tried to avoid talking about myself and my current situation because I just didn't want to get into it all. As the lesson wore on, there were comments made about how grateful some sisters were for their hard-working husbands who make it possible for them to stay home. And try as I might, I could not help but feel the jealousy burning once again.

But as I've thought more about it since church on Sunday, I realized something: yes, my situation is not ideal, but it works for me and my family. My husband has gained so much from staying at home with our son--and he often mentions that, once he finishes school and works so that I may stay home, he will understand how hard it is to care for children and that he will help out as much as he can. And I like to think that I treasure more the few hours I get with Joshua every day. Would I change things if I could? Of course I would. I would love to stay at home. But resenting it and being upset about it doesn't help anything.

So, I guess I will conclude that I dedicate myself to my marriage, my family, and my home by working hard to provide for them. It is my labors that help us survive, that pay our rent, that allow us to purchase the things we need. Working makes me treasure the time I have with Joshua so much...and even though he can't read yet, I want to apologize to him for not always giving him my complete attention for the 2-3 hours I see him every day. I will try to be better.

I'm grateful for my jobs. I'm grateful for the income they provide and that they give me satisfaction. But I look forward to the day when I can say that my full-time job isn't a paid position with healthcare benefits--it's being a wife and mother, which pays more and gives more benefits, emotionally and spiritually, than any other full-time job could ever hope to give.

Those of you out there who do have the chance to stay at home with your children, please do something for me: give each of your children a hug and a kiss and tell them how grateful you are for being able to stay at home with them. I know it's hard, but please treasure the time you have. I hope you realize how lucky you are.